Life is full of dissapointments and let-downs but i feel like my life is more like a roller coaster with amazing highs and devastating lows. I like to think of myself as a hopeless optimist, but in all honestly, i'm struggling to find anything to smile about right now. Well, they do say bad news comes in threes....
1. I finished my application for the critical care fellowship, turned it in, and my commander approved it with a, "this looks great. You should have no problem getting it, you're an excellent candidate." Five minutes later i was told they are no longer waiving the TOS (time on station) requirement and i could no longer apply. Meaning, i will need to rot my brain for another two years at this "hospital" i.e. glorified clinic. Trying to find the motivation to go for my masters....
2. I went to Chicago this past weekend for a weekend with my girlfriends that i hadn't seen in a year. It was so amazing to be with them again, and to feel as if i never left! However, the dark cloud over the whole trip was that i found out i can't be in my best friends wedding anymore because she had to move the wedding due to circumstances beyond her control to when i will be deployed. Though this may not seem like a big deal, it was just hard to take when we've talked about that day for years, and hearing all the fun/amazing details about it was tough knowing i can't actually be there.
3. Rich and i are no longer together. I wish i had something bad to say about him, but in all honestly i still love him more than i thought i could ever love someone. I think i may be dehydrated from crying so much, and i really just want to crawl in bed and not wake up for months. i never thought it would come to this, even though everyone has their disagreements. It just goes to show you that sometimes love isn't enough, and distance can ruin even the strongest of relationships. I still hold out hope that there is some kind of miracle out there, and maybe we can move on from everything, but these also seem to be in short-supply. I know that he still loves me, but i don't know if that's enough to fix whats broken.
One of my friends asked me this weekend if i ever regretted joining the Air force. I like to think i don't. I'm trying to tell myself that life happens no matter what decisions you make, and in the end, i know i made the right choice. It is difficult at times dealing with the bullshit though, when the rest of your world seems to be crumbling around you. I know i tend to be a bit melodramatic at times, and in all honestly im okay, at least no one needs to worry that i'm going to go slit my wrists. Everything is just so fresh and happened at once. I just need some time to convince myself that my life is great. Minus Rich. I can honestly say that i don't think i'll get over that easily. Some of the best times of my life were spent with him and he honestly made me happier than i've ever been. I'm trying to be strong and accept that people need space and time and sometimes things just really might not be meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, whether we like that reason or not. I honestly thought i would marry him and spend the rest of my life happy. Strangely i still see myself with him, and i can't imagine it any other way. It's official, i'm crazy. Such is life.
