I think i may have too much time on my hands. There is something so odd about working night shift, and trying to keep that same schedule even on your days off. Though a wonderful idea because you never get that exhausted feeling that even 12+hrs of sleep just can't seem to cure, it creates a strange quiet world that is slightly oppressive. Most nights, i really enjoy the peace and quiet when the rest of the world is sound asleep, but other nights it can make you feel completely alone. These nights, it's hard to stop the melancholy feeling from creeping it and your thoughts from running wild. I have a problem with a mind that just will not shut off! :) When i started this blog over a year and a half ago to document my journey joining the Air Force, i mainly meant it as a quick and easy way to update all my friends and family at once. Lately though i find that i don't bother writing as sometimes i feel as if the monotomy of my days are of little consequence or interest to myself let alone anyone else. I actually am really happy here, it just seems my life has fallen into this daily rut that nothing spectacularly awful or amazing really happens.
Does anyone really write about how they feel anymore? Facts about events and day to day living don't add up to much without an emotion behind it. I sometimes i wonder if i'm settling. I'm not sure if that's the right word actually. I have moments of satisfaction, but i never feel completely fulfilled. Perhaps that's just my nature to always strive for more/new/different but i feel as if i'm meant to do something bigger. Nursing was never my sole passion...i wasn't that girl that knew from the moment she was five that she wanted to be a nurse. I absolutely love the high that comes from an insane night of work, when i have wounded patients from suicide bombs and IEDS, soldiers that cant sleep through the night because they'll dream of horrific things i can't even imagine, and all they want to do is talk...and i can make a difference. These days i love being a nurse. But it doesn't make me happy. I don't get excited about doing my masters homework or going to work. I don't look forward to it. I realize this is a normal thing with most people. I mean who really LOVES there job? I have on more than one occassion stated that i Love my job in the past, but if i had to do it for free, i wouldn't last long. :) I feel like i always do things because it's the RIGHT thing to do. I don't do anything i don't want to do, but things like going for my masters right now....moving to be a fabulous LT...it's become the RIGHT thing to do, more so than something i'm interested in doing. For someone so frivilous and a dreamer about most things in life, i've always been practical about a career. In college, i was always tempted by the more creative studies. I loved the satisfaction of writing a fabulous article or studying amazing photography, but i would never consider getting a degree in something that didn't guarantee me a decent job afterwards. It's so easy to get caught up in a routine, that sometimes i have to sit back and think about what really makes me HAPPY. Spending time with great friends, being outside, the sound and smell of Lake Superior, the sun shining, the look in Rich's eyes when he sees me after we've been apart for awhile, taking photographs, exploring new places, drawing painting, AMAZING MUSIC, dancing in the rain, a good cup of coffee....
I believe i just may be going a bit stir-crazy after all the snow we've had dumped on us this february. Dubbed SNOWMAGGEDON/SNOWGASM, etc...by the media, the storms have made it impossible to really do anything outside and man do i miss that. Note to self: the U.P in me is much stronger than i ever imagined. Whatever the reason, i do need to make more time to actually do the little things that make me happy. Work, sleep, eat, school is quite depressing after awhile. I loved having Faren here for a weekend..such a breath of fresh air!
Well that's all for now...the random thoughts i have at 3 am....
No comments:
Post a Comment