Reflections on a sunday

> Reflections on a Sunday.
> 
> Where do we  get strength?  
> 
> I'm not even sure how to put all of my racing thoughts
> into coherent
> form, but I think it's therapeutic  to even try.  This
> whole experience
> has caused a lot of soul-searching, and self-assessment.  I
> thought I
> knew myself pretty well, that I was independent, strong,
> put together
> and completely sure of myself.  And though some of this
> still rings
> true, I'm daily discovering things about myself that
> cause me to step
> back and analyze (Kaye I think you would appreciate this). 
>  The whole
> realization  that I may have to choose between a career and
> love has put
> an incredible amount of pressure on Rich and I to CHOOSE
> and to make a
> DECISION that ultimately we may not even be qualified to
> choose.  I
> think sometimes I don't put enough faith in a power
> higher than myself.
> Though I tell myself I do, I don't think I really allow
> myself to leave
> it up to him.  
> 
> Today I went to "church" with two of the women
> from my flight.  To be
> honest we just watched her church service online, and
> listened to some
> uplifting music and talked about faith in general.  It was
> exactly what
> I needed.  I think in the military if you don't have
> some kind of belief
> that there is something bigger than us, than what we're
> doing, you'll
> never be able to truly deal with it all.  It was so
> refreshing and
> uplifting to sit and talk about really deep things without
> the
> boundaries of denominations and rules.  We all grew up a
> different way,
> with different expectations and rituals yet it doesn't
> matter when it
> all comes down to it.  It feels good to kind of just let it
> all go.  I
> think I've been feeling a bit jaded with religion
> lately.  I don't know
> if that's quite the right word but I guess I didn't
> feel like I even
> really needed to go.  I still believe the core of what I
> believed as a
> child, but I honestly don't feel as if the message that
> the ministers
> would preach on Sundays were reaching me or having any
> effect on me at
> all.  Faith should be about a relationship that you have
> with yourself
> and GOD.  Period, end of sentence.   I guess the reason
> that I've been
> thinking about this all so much is that when you're in
> a situation in
> which everything is new and overwhelming and you have no
> control..there's still that one thing that you always
> have with you.
> I'm having difficulty writing this as eloquently and
> clearly as it is in
> my mind, but I guess I'm just trying to attempt to this
> newfound
> feeling.    
> 
> Meant to be?
> 
> I'm a huge believer in that things happen for a reason,
> so is it so far
> fetched as to say that I was meant to do this?  REally...if
> you think
> about it..many of you were shocked when I said that I
> planned on joining
> the military.  Even I surprised myself a bit.  I know that
> I had always
> had a small inkling about it, but I honestly expected
> myself to go off
> to some prestigious hospital and go on with life.  This
> opportunity just
> kind of fell in my lap and to be honest, it appears to be
> everything I
> had hoped it would.  If I'm saying this in training
> (which blows)  I am
> confident that I ill love the actual operational Air Force!
>  Lol J  I
> feel as if a part of me is being fulfilled that I
> didn't realize needed
> to be.  I feel strangely at peace with everything and
> don't feel as if
> I'm trying to prove myself as much or searching for
> "something else."  A
> lot of this is subconscious and I think In a way I'm
> finding a part of
> myself that I didn't realize was missing.
> 
> Now before you all think I've gone off the deep
> end...keep in mind I've
> had a lot of time to think lately!  I've also had a lot
> of great
> listeners, and people with incredible life experiences for
> advice and
> stories.  I am the baby here in my flight (there's only
> two of us that
> just graduated from college) and the majority of my
> flightmates are in
> their 30's and 40's.  They are an incredible group
> of people.  
> 
> One more thing
> 
> I think the most reassuring thing to me today was the
> incredible peace
> that I got when I thought about my relationship with Rich. 
> For the past
> couple of days I've been questioning everything about
> our lives in the
> desperate hope that I could somehow predict if we could
> make it.  Today
> I just stopped.  I feel incredibly at ease with the
> possibility of
> spending the rest of my life with him if the situation does
> arise, and
> know that with faith, love and family we could survive
> anything.  
> 
>  
> 
> So...to sum up this cluster-fuck (pardon my French) of a
> message, I am
> feeling great..i have an incredible support system in you
> all, and in my
> flightmate here, and I am happy.  Plus I got to sleep in
> today.  Lol!